To xxxoutspokenxxx for the free 0g catseye and the surprise NF striped plugs!
The catseye is gorgeous and they fit perfectly.
Thanks a bunch.

I don't look back on everything as a learning experience.
Actually up until a couple months ago, everything that happened is just a shame.
Today I've been thinking about how much it sucks to feel like I need certain emotional bonds to be happy.
I don't particularly like that theres this struggle for money and that I cannot fix it myself.
Just to make it easier on other people.
I'm not the jealous type and I get over things pretty quickly.
But theres been a lot of times recently where I just feel like not talking all day since I know nothing I say is going to be important.
But I'll still talk and joke around because I need to talk; I need to have human interaction and my need for that is more than basic.
It's emotionally and physically to an extreme but I would never be the one to ask for it. I hate feeling like a burden and I hope to *enterfictionalhigherpowerhere* that I don't let it get to me.
It's rather clumsy of me to spill about something I know I won't take advice for but I don't feel the need for advice if I'm happy where I am. Which I am.
Don't get me wrong but I don't see a point in being selfish.
I just want to make sure I'm needed I guess

To write articles while slightly intoxicated
and high on Xanax.
And as Martha Stewart would say...
It's a good thing

Now all I want to do is pour my guts out.
But all that will be left is hopless emotion.
I made sure to try not to invest too many emotions into it.
But that's inevitable and I knew what I was getting into.
But now I bring some shit up,
I never expected it to be a fairytale ending.
I'm just trying to make sure things don't get akward,
or that I don't become needy or hard to deal with.
I just hope I don't lose what I do have,
or make things difficult.
I just hate fighting how I feel but,
I'm getting better at it.
I hope I don't get too stupid,
I don't feel I have the merit to ask for anything,
and at the same time I don't want to
since that is how difficulty is brought about.

Peace

To start,
I will never get what I desire as well as I can get what I don't need.
I wish I would have started thinking for myself a long fucking time ago.
I want a person to be completely honest with me, to want me.
I want a relationship and am completely willing to put forth the effort to find someone who wants me as much as I want them.
But I don't want to look much further
I honestly don't think it's possible.
I see that I keep going on my own looking back at what I once had to make sure that I know I probably won't get it back and not to expect anything out of the ordinary.
I want to love and be loved and I don't have much at all but I know that I'd be willing to put what's left on the line but there are never guarantees.
I listen because I want to hear it the same amount that I need to hear it and I'm not even sure if it helps.
I hate him for everything and for making me think twice.


I'm a bit ashamed of myself.
A little help is a lot to ask for.

Shall I disclose the meaning of this rant?
^ignorant
^fucking
^me
I completely hate the control I don't have over my behind the face.
I'd like it to gain some sort of clarity between what I think I want, what I need )drugs, mind you(, and what I can have with little to no worry of being fucked over.
Three fucking years of this shit and you'd think that I'd have the decency to not want it back.
But look at me now, I'm relatively happy but of course I want something I can't have which puts a buffer on the happy unless I have the money to pay for the drugen to make it leave my mind for a few hours.
I'm not willing to sit around and let this shit happen but I have no idea what to do. It doesn't fester enough to be a complete bother and all I fucking wanted was for someone to be on whatever level I'm on. )to do this requires one to find my level which I have not set and convince me that I'm there in the first place(
So I'm basically wishing to have someone want me for whatever the fuck I am and can do. I don't give a fuck about complete infatuation I've seen where that's gotten me and I don't trust that trying it again is worth it but I know I'm completely up for it.
So I'm pretty much confused as to how I have managed to function in everyday life when I know that theres no specific purpose besides my erised to be happy )followed by a butt load of question marks(
I feel I have no right to bitch and moan but do I do it anyway? Of course. So does everyone else at least a couple of times )S-aint(
I always feel I'm way too bothersome than what I can or have to contribute to anyone and am completely befuddled as to how people put up with the stupidity I babble and the utter annoyance that I see myself as.
I'm always told that I'm not difficult to put up with but I can barely stand with the way I think let alone put effort into sucking my own egos dick
peace )way too sober(

Wheezy pretty fucking ridiculous.
I'm happy in some areas yet in others I feel I'm slowly losing interest.
I don't think I ever knew what I wanted to begin with and now all I have is someone fucking doubting me in everything I do.
Most say that it's better to just split off and deal with it but I don't feel like it was ever my decision in the first place.
I can't fucking stand anything anymore mainly because I don't want to and have noticed that I shouldn't have to.
I hate being unhappy with myself but I hate being unhappy with someone else more.
I don't think I have the ability to want a relationship anymore.
I just want to be able to know at least one person won't fuck me over; that there's one person I can trust.
One is better than none and safer too.
I guess I'd rather be labeled selfish than pull the weight of some ridiculous asshole and not get any gratitude.
So am I supposed to feel bad about trying to be fucking independent or should I sit around and be made a fool of and shown I was never worth much to begin with.
Honestly, I have been pretty happy on almost all levels accept for dealing with the fact that a relationship I'm not even sure I want is quickly crumbling in front of me and it doesn't seem I'm actually trying at all.

Keep me and I'll be ok.
I wish I had the ability to lose myself in things the way I used to.
Sometimes I have difficulty doing it. I hope it's not entirely gone.
I'm talking about educationally, physically, emotionally and everything in between.
I'm getting so sick of myself again and it pisses me off that things that
used to be so deep ends up losing purpose to one or more parties.
It's like the loss of that new relationship feeling that only takes a few months to set in,
then after that it gets bland depending where each persons loyalties lie.
It's like random thoughts build up  and hit the psychological fan in my head.
Why not just be fucking honest for a change.
 

There's some people in my life I've have to let go of 
or have made me let go of them.
Fuck you and for the ones I let go of myself that came back apologizing.
Fuck you too.
I hate when stupid shit like that pops up and makes me rethink everything that I had set
or that i had recently stabilized and made sure I was ok with.
now I'm pissed. I don't know what to think about most of it and people that I do let back in I cant trust.
Some people can claim they didn't know what they were doing or that they're sorry,
but in the end its all selfish bullshit and all they want is to fucking stomp on your understanding of how shit went down and why just to make themselves look better.
In the end.. I'm left with this need to know why people cant control urges better.
Why people give in so easily to lust or desire when we all claim we have decent control over ourselves.
I'm sick of hearing everyone complain about what they want or who's  holding them back or what they should do when in the first place then a following blindly in their own personal issues before voicing the matter to someone who shouldn't have to fucking hear it.
Call me stupid but sex and relationship status in general has become dramatically non-existent.
Having to sit back and watch everyone so fucking happy and at the end all they think is that it was a major set-up and blame everyone but themselves and the fact that they became too emotionally insecure to let go of something that probably would have never lasted or that may not have started to begin with.
Something like: That smile on your face is all the proof I need to see that you are miserable. Your "happiness" is little more than the setup for an old, yet hideously cruel, joke; the punchline being your inevitable, pathetic realization that you've wasted so much of your time thinking that somebody could actually "love" you.
Honestly I'm left getting bitched at for being numb to other peoples problems when actually I want to help but the only way I know how is to actually 'open their eyes'.
But no one wants that, all they want is reassurance that they'll be okay and that they have support.
No one truly needs support, they need trust in another person to spill their guts to and not be criticized which is fine.
If you've ever gotten through something bad after you believe you "couldn't have done it without them" bullshit, that means that you spewed your problem and had someone just listening because in the end you never take their advice but you usually come out alive.
It's a fucking illusion and possibly one I'll have to deal with for the rest of my existence.
I'm not hard to please.